Hey there, deviantART. Are you able to listen? I don't want to talk to anyone, except the whole world. No particulars. I just wanna write my thoughts and feelings.
Here goes:

I'm confused. Very confused. Because I like you, a lot, and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do about that because I haven't been in a stable relationship for so long and now this one can hardly be called stable because there's virtually no contact. I know that the no contact issue will end in about a month, or a little less, but once you're back... What am I supposed to do? I mean, in my previous relationships, everything moved so fast, and now I don't know how quickly or how slowly things are supposed to move. You should know that I'm a very, very thoughtful person. I look for more than just the physical manifestation of a relationship. I want the mental connection, the physical feelings, and just... The bond. I don't know what you want. I don't know what I want. And I can't talk to you about it because I'm just too chicken to do it. I need to be reassured, often. And what if that pushes you away? I mean, I need to know that you still like me, and that you still want to be in a relationship with me. I need to know what you're thinking, and that you want to know what I'm thinking. Do you want to know what I'm thinking? Do you still like me? If so, how much? If not, why are we together? Please don't answer the last one. I don't want to think about that. Have you really changed? Are you really trying to change? Is everything okay? Do you miss me as much as I miss you? How come you don't move as fast as other girls have with me? How come you respect me? Hey.. Do I still make you happy?

And you. I don't like thinking about the subject involving you. I mean, it's gone too far with my over active imagination already, and I don't like that. You need to just let me know, so I can stop wondering. And I just need to.. Stop thinking about it. And I need to stop semi-enjoying thinking about it. It does not make me happy. And you... Don't stare at me anymore. Or smile. Or laugh. Not at me. Okay? Just stop being you, and all will be well.

I'm overwhelmed.

I have too much homework, not enough time, not enough sleep, too much weight, not enough height, too much stress, too many thoughts, not enough closure, not enough happiness, a shortage of smiles, and hardly any genuine laugh left. And not nearly enough .. Well. I'd rather not say.
Stop using up all I've got left.

Am I still me?

Or have I become some sort of worker drone, buzzing along to the tune of someone else's theme? I feel like I'm doing things for reasons that aren't my own.

I feel like I'm playing a role so that I don't disappoint people. So that I don't disappoint myself.
Because if I were to be as I really am, I wouldn't be.
I'd just... Drift. I wouldn't do things, I wouldn't care.

I can't listen.
I hate it so much.

I need my own time.
I need something.

I need... I don't know what I need.

So can you just let me be?

I'm tired of people telling me what I can and can't do. This goes to the people telling me not to go as far as sex, the people telling me not to give up things, the people telling me that I can't procrastinate anymore, the people telling me I'm not good enough.
I'm tired of you judging what I do in my relationships.
I'm tired of you telling me that I can't quit, even though it's obviously making me too stressed.
I'm tired of you making me do homework that I don't want to do.
I'm tired of you convincing me that I'll never be as good as you, and that I really shouldn't be doing that, because it's a waste of everyone's time.

I need a job.
I don't have time for a job.
I need money.
I have no job.

I'm tired of you referring to me as bitch, or slut, or any of the words like that. In fact, I hate it. It makes me want to tell you that you treat your friends like shit and that you really shouldn't have the connections that you semi-long for, because you really don't deserve them.

I hate it when you make me wear dresses.

I hate that I can't complain, and when I do it comes out like this and I seem like some little punk that whines all the time.

If you weren't such a _____, I think I'd be more inclined to not dislike you.


That's all I have the time to say.